don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
