I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
