I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
