just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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