i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
