Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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