guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
