How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
