The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
