We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh god it's open bar.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
