You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
