yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
