Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
