True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
