I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i out mim tonsoeep
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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