I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
