party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
