you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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