She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
