Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
