dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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