Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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