You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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