How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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