im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
