That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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