he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
