Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize