these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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