Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
