hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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