Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
