On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
