So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
