I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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