How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
