There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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