Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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