Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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