Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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