I'm gonna have a badass scar
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
