Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
