I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
