i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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