I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
