Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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