new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
