I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize