Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize