It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
