my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
