You can't special order awesome
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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