Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
