Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
