Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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