wanna go halves on a baby?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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