My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
