dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize