Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
