im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
