you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
