i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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