my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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