How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize