Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
