do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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