I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
